Home on the Range · Mental Health

Caught off guard

“Instead, it’s pooling like groundwater. Polling underneath my skin, seeping to the surface here and there, now and then. Endlessly replenished. Easy to forget about, until it startles me with the depth of it. The usual suspects- cancer movies, weddings. And then there are times it catches me completely off guard,…”

Bethanny Chase, “The One That Got Away”

I read this passage last night and it had been knocking about in my head all day, just tapping away for me to spit out some thoughts and feelings. Believe me the feelings are THERE.. they run under the skin constantly as Chase describes in her book. So many writers are so good at describing what I struggle to put into words.

GRIEF

At first you can barely breathe, ever. Time passes and the feelings are always present but maybe they don’t show themselves on the outside as often. But for me, a little over 4 years later, while I think of my Mom daily, I don’t always find myself heaped in a puddle on the floor. There are the triggers as Chase mentions.. Yes, cancer movies. Yes, Mother’s Day commercials. Yes, milestones having to do with my daughter and all the things my Mom will miss about her only grandchild and namesake growing up.

It’s always there.. and then there are the days like today where I’m just caught off guard. Likely the book passage pushed me over the edge..but yesterday I was brought to tears by my daughter relating a story from her Spanish teacher assigning the simple homework assignment of “going home and hugging your parents”. Why? Her husband has cancer, and she is grateful that it is not spreading. She is grateful she still has him. I’d be grateful too and you can bet Hannah got an A on that assignment.

My advice to those going through the stages of grief has always been to allow themselves to FEEL the feelings. Go through the steps and remember that some day it really does get better. It DOES, I promise. But then there are days, like today, when you are just caught off guard, and thats ok too.

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Home on the Range

Not really MIA

So there’s been a lot running through my mind as of late. I think that comes with kids heading back to school, the hustle and bustle of getting all the things ready and then trying to set yourself and your family on a new schedule.

Looking back I see the last time I actually published a post was well over a year ago, even though ‘I’ can see that there are several hidden drafts where I have written stream of conscious thoughts on parenting, grief and trying to cope with life. Maybe someday those ramblings will turn into actual posts but until then, I am going to try to incorporate some catching up on life posts with some of my fav posts from my old blog.

Friends know that I can be found more regularly on Instagram and on Facebook.. both under the Brush & Barnwood handle where I drop tidbits about what is going on in our lives here on our tiny ranch. This week we are in a mad dash to prepare for the Monterey County Fair where my daughter will be showing her FFA lambs this Friday and auctioning off her market lamb on Saturday. We learned a lot about people you can count on vs people you can’t while trying to get our sheep fitted for the fair and we owe a huge Thanks to our neighbor Shari for her help Saturday.

Hannah bathes her ewe, Belle.

Life in the art lane has taken a bit of a swerve.. I am still creating but I have mostly set down my paintbrush and markers in favor of a glass cutter and a roll of solder. Early this year I challenged myself to stake some stained glass classes and I might be kind of hooked! I REALLY look forward to my studio/ class time each week as not only do I get to make art but I get to spend time with other creative people too.

Stained class cow skull, before patina.

Gearing up for some BIG happenings over the next month or so, more later.